Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Please Don't Take Her
I can honestly say that yesterday was pure hell. I had planned on going up to see my gram and was waiting for my aunt and uncle to come get me. I got a call from them when they were on their way over telling me that my other uncle,who was already at the hospital,had called them and said that my gram wanted everyone at the hospital because she was afraid that she wasn't going to make it. I had to call my mom at work and tell her to get up there asap. When we got there she was totally out of it. She knew everyone was there but she still kept asking for people. She went through everybody's name including her own mother who has been dead for about 15 years. I'm not sure if she said certain things to other people but she said to my brother and cousin that they were her big boys and that they were all grown up. She told them to behave and to stay in touch. She told me to take care of my family. I just couldn't take it. It felt like she was trying to say goodbye and I didn't want to hear it.
We were there for a few hours and decided to leave when she finally went to sleep. One of my aunts stayed with her. I went out to lunch with my aunt and uncle and just as we sat down Todd got a phone call. It was my uncle Dale saying that my gram had stopped breathing and they had to throw my aunt out of the room and give gram some other medicine to reverse the effects of the morphine because she had overdosed on it. Why shouldn't things go from bad to worse?! How she overdosed on the morphine is still a mystery to me because according to the nurses it wasn't possible (she had a button to self medicate). My uncle said that after he dropped me off and dropped my aunt back at home that he was going back up there.
I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. My whole body ached and I was so worn out. I was so scared that that was the last time that I was going to see my gram. So many things went through my head. My main thoughts were for my kids. How was I going to explain where grama was? Would Hadlei even remember her? How would they react? How would I react to their reactions? Could I handle it or would I fall apart? Then I thought "what am I going to do without her?" I just can't imagine what life would be like without her. She is the one I go to every time I have a problem. We talk every day sometimes a few times a day. I tell her everything. She's my rock. I am so afraid of what will happen to me when she's gone. I had the worst time getting to sleep last nite. I think pure exhaustion finally won out.
My aunt and I went up to see her this morning. Things were looking much better. She was awake and was talking to us. She said she wasn't in any pain. We tried to talk to her as much as we could just to make sure that she was ok - that she wasn't hallucinating anymore. And she wasn't. We did let her get a few naps in because we could tell that she was getting tired. She didn't want to go to sleep at first because she was scared. The morphine was giving her terrible dreams and they scared her. She started to cry and I told her that it was going to be ok and that she could go to sleep. They gave her two units of blood which helped tremendously. She actually got color back in her cheeks. Not once did she complain about the pain. We thought that it was weird because she hadn't had pain medicine since the nite before. But the dr explained that she could have some left in her fatty tissue and that as why she wasn't in pain. They are going to give her dilaudil (excellent call Sara) when she needs more medicine. We stayed for about 9 hours today. When we left I felt much better about things. I am not going to get my hopes up just yet because I know that things can turn for the worse in a heartbeat. But for now think I'm ok.....Labels: family
